Theory of Relativity
by American Soldier
Summary: Crossover fic. An old friend comes to visit Xander
1. Chapter 1

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

A/N: Anya left the party during that fight between her and Xander, and Tara saved him instead. She has yet to return.

ÀÀÀ

"Bull-spit!"

Xander watched in glee as Willow begrudgingly picked up all the cards.

"How come you always know when I'm lying," Willow demanded.

"Because, no matter who's Willow you are, you'll always be my Willow," Xander said with a smile.

Willow blushed and shared a look with Tara, who smiled back shyly. Buffy and Riley just rolled their eyes. It had taken some work, but Xander and Willow had finally rebuilt their relationship, back to the point before the Fluke. Tara, after hearing about it for the first time, had been eyeing Xander oddly, trying to see if he was flirting with her girlfriend, but, after some convincing, Tara had accepted that Xander was just being Xander.

"Please, just once, Xander, can you try not to be your usual eccentric self," Giles asked with a sigh as he set down the crackers and tea for himself.

"I don't reckon so, G-Man," Xander said with a smile.

With a resigned sigh, Giles picked up his deck and put down a card, "Six."

"BS," Buffy said with a grin.

"…You looked at my cards, didn't you," she smiled cheekily at him as he claimed his cards.

"My turn," Buffy grinned happily, "Two sevens!"

"BS," everyone said as one.

"…Pooey," she grimaced as she reclaimed her card, "How'd you know?" 

"You get majorly happy when you lie," Riley told her.

"I do not," she said, before turning to Willow, "Do I?"

"Only when we play cards," Willow said, "You get happy to cover your bluffs."

"…Pooey," she said.

"T-three eights," Tara said as she laid down her cards.

"One nine," Riley laid down his card.

"Two tens," Xander said.

"BS, Xander," Giles said.

Xander just smiled and showed him his cards, causing Giles to utter a 'damn' as he picked up his ever-increasing deck. A knock on the door caused Giles to get up, muttering about belligerent teens as he did so.

Giles opened the door, and automatically took a step back as he saw the woman who had stood behind it. She was a skinny, pale woman, with long hair, blacker than the night, pulled into a ponytail behind her head. She was dressed in a black tank top and a pair of black jeans, with mid-calf length combat boots on. She had a pale complexion, and coupled with her black eyeliner and lipstick, she looked ghostly.

"Ugh," he took a quick moment to gather himself, "Can I help you, miss…"

"Is Alexander Harris here," she deadpanned to him.

He blinked again, this time because of both her voice and her question startled him.

"…Ugh, yes, he is here," he turned back behind him, "Xander, you have a guest."

He stood back, allowing her entry, and she walked inside, where Xander had stopped moving as soon as he'd seen her.

"Hello, Alex," she greeted him.

Buffy and Willow eyed her wickedly, already suspecting her of being a demon, while Riley and Tara just stared at her.

"…Wednesday," Xander said in surprise, "Hey. What're you doing in Sunnydale?"

"I transferred to UC Sunnydale," she deadpanned, "You didn't call…or write."

"I got busy," he responded, "…Sorry."

"I understand," she commented, "Battling the forces of darkness must be difficult."

Everyone focused their gaze onto him, shocked that he would have told her about what they did.

"Ugh, everyone, let me introduce," he swallowed, "Wednesday Addams."


	2. Chapter 2

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

A/N: Imagine a more updated version of Wednesday Addams as played by Christina Ricci.

ÀÀÀ

Wednesday was sat off to one-side of the living room, watching dispassionately as Xander was grilled endlessly by Buffy and Willow.

"You told her about what we do," Buffy demanded, irate, "How could you do something so stupid?!"

"He didn't tell me," Wednesday deadpanned once more, gaining all their attention, "He merely mentioned your name and I recognized it. You're quite famous."

"Wednesday's a witch in training," Xander explained, "Her entire family knows about what goes on around here."

"…Oh," was all Buffy could say.

Willow, however, was far from speechless.

"You're a witch," she asked, "Cool! Tara and I are witches, we practice together, do you practice alone or with a coven, do you…"

As Willow launched into her tirade, Xander and Buffy both sat back to wait for her to run out of breath…Wednesday, however, was more…proactive than that.

"Stop," she deadpanned once more, "I have no wish to hear you drone on and on. I do practice with groups occasionally, but, I have no interest in practicing my craft with either of you."

Willow and Tara displayed their hurt feelings on their faces, and Xander sighed, knowing that this would probably happen. Buffy, vocal as ever, automatically went to her friends' defense.

"Why would you not want to practice with them," she demanded, "And do you have to be so rude?!"

"I do not wish to practice with the redhead," she couldn't remember her name, "Because she lacks balance, as I can see from her aura. She does only white magic, and will eventually fall into the control of the darkness if she ever uses magic in grief or despair, causing her to lose control of herself and respond to the seductive calls of dark magic," Willow openly gaped at her, beyond offended, "Your friend, Tara, is more balanced, but she is also shy, and I do not have patience with shy people, and that would upset my magics."

Silence reigned for a few moments before a chuckle broke it. Everyone turned their gaze to Xander, who was laughing slightly.

"It's good to see that you haven't changed, Wednesday," he laughed.

Wednesday, however, merely raised an eyebrow, before saying, "Nor have you, it seems. You still try to cover your insecurities with humor. I thought we talked about that."

Xander just shook his head and said, "Old habits die hard."

"…How, exactly, do you two know each other," Giles asked, completely beyond

flummoxed by the situation.

"Alex's car broke down outside of my family's house last summer," Wednesday explained, "We offered to let him stay for a while, which reminds me," she stood up quickly and left the house, only to return a few moments later with a large, leather bag, "They sent presents."

"Ooh, what'd your uncle send," Xander said excitedly.

"Two pounds of C4," Wednesday deadpanned.

"Sweet," Xander smiled as he opened the bag.

"C4," Riley started, "That's illegal!"

"So," Wednesday said, "Do you think everything you do is legal?"

"Well, no, but-"

"So, don't give him a hard time because he uses different methods than you do," Wednesday said, the warning as evident as anything else she'd said.

"As I was saying," she continued, "He stayed with us for the better part of a month, while our butler fixed his vehicle."

"How is Lurch, anyway," Xander wondered aloud.

"He sent you a turkey," she deadpanned.

He pulled out said turkey, which had been skinned and still looked to be somewhat alive, causing all to recoil.

"His cooking hasn't improved, I see," he responded, tossing it outside.

"While he waited," she pressed on, "Uncle Fester and my brother, Pugsley, played around with the dynamite we have lying around with him."

"…You have dynamite lying around the house," Buffy looked positively outraged as she said this.

"We do," Wednesday responded, "My mother and Grandmama taught him spells and hexes."

"But, he doesn't do any spells around here," Willow countered.

"Are you quite sure," Wednesday asked, causing everyone to turn to examine Xander.

"Thank you, Wednesday," he deadpanned.

"You're welcome," she responded in kind, "Father taught him how to handle a sword."

"Your father," Giles interrupted, "Wouldn't happen to be Gomez Addams, would he?"

"You know Father," Wednesday asked, curiosity in her voice.

"Not well," Giles admitted, "Him and I met briefly while I was at Oxford."

"I'll have to mention you in my letters to home," Wednesday replied, before turning to Xander, "How come you never mentioned him?"

"Never came up," she thought for a moment, then nodded, accepting his answer, "What's this?"

He held up a box with a lock on it.

"I believe it is one of Thing's relatives," she deadpanned, "Sophia."

"…Thing sent one of his relatives to live you," he asked in disbelief.

"She was living on the streets, Alex," she responded with a sigh, "Thing asked me to take her in, and I said yes. I thought I had left her behind, honestly."

"…Point," he said, pulling the key out from underneath the box, "Guys, don't be freaked out. I guarantee you she's good…she's good, right, Wednesday?"

"Yes, Alex, she is of the good," she replied.

"Groovy," he smiled, putting the box one the ground, "Guys, before I open this box up, I insist that you keep an open mind. Sophia," Wednesday nodded, "Is like…like Oz, in some aspects. She's just…well, you'll see."

He put the key in the lock and gently twisted it, and scooted back to allow the being inside room enough to leave. The box was surprisingly deep, almost as though it were magical.

"Sophia," Xander called out, "It's ok, you can come out."

The box began to shake slightly, causing all of his friends to tense up, prepared to grab a weapon and stab whatever was inside.

"She's frightened," Wednesday commented, "You need to calm down, all of you. She knows that you have intents to kill her."

"Why should we," Buffy demanded, freaked out a little, "We have no idea what's in there."

"I do," Xander said, "I know you guys don't have faith in me, but, please, just…trust me for once."

For the millionth time that night, the group was caught off guard by pure bluntness. It was…staggering, to say the least. Sure, everyone had thought it, but, no one had really voiced it…and no one had thought that Xander was aware of it.

"Alright, Xander," Tara said, surprisingly taking charge of the situation, "We trust you."

Xander nodded at her, giving her a small smile, and leaned forward toward the box.

"It's alright, Sophia," he coaxed, "You can come out."

Slowly, something began to come out of the box. It wasn't fully out, so, they couldn't see what it was, but, they could tell that it was flesh colored. Carefully, it emerged from its box, and the group backed up slightly as they saw what it was.


	3. Chapter 3

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

A/N: for the record, Wednesday Addams in this fic is largely influenced by three sources: the original comics, Christina Ricci's version, and Raven from _Teen Titans_. So, if she doesn't exactly meet your ideal version, my apologies, but, while I wanted to stay true to form, I also wanted to update the character as befitting my intentions for her in this plot. Enjoy. Oh, and continuity for Wednesday is from the movies, with miscellaneous parts thrown in for good measure. Enjoy, again!

ÀÀÀ

"Xander," Buffy said slowly, "It's a…hand."

"Yes, she is, Buffy," Xander said as the hand began to crawl up his arm, coming to rest on his shoulder, "And she prefers to be called 'Sophia.'"

"…It's a hand," she said.

"It's probably possessed," Giles said, cleaning his glasses, "I know of a spell."

"Please," Wednesday interrupted with a roll of her eyes, "Just because it doesn't fit your idea of the norm does not mean it is pure evil, or that it is even necessarily evil. All it means is that it is extraordinary."

"…It's a hand," Buffy said again.

"And you're a Slayer, your friends are witches, a watcher, and…a piece of cardboard," she muttered, ignoring Riley's look of disdain, "You have no right to judge."

"Cool," Xander said as Sophia began to gently massage his shoulder, "Thank you, Sophia, that feels really good."

"…A detached hand is rubbing your shoulders, and all you can think of is that it feels good," Buffy asked in sheer disbelief.

"I've seen weirder," Xander countered, "And so have you."

Buffy opened her mouth to protest, but, closed it just as quickly…she had seen weirder, but, the fact that he and this girl, Wednesday, were taking it so well was beyond her.

"Are you living on campus, Wednesday," Xander asked his friend.

"I'm not," Wednesday responded with a slight frown, "Father paid for a place for me to stay, a mansion off of the campus."

"Not on Crawford Street," Xander asked automatically, noting the looks on both Buffy and Willow's faces.

"No, I well remember what you told me of the place," Wednesday deadpanned, "I believed that you and I would begin to spend time together in a comfortable place once you found out I was here," for the first time that night, it seemed as though Wednesday was uncomfortable, her voice gaining a bit of nervousness as she continued, "If you'd like to, that is."

"Of course I would," Xander responded with a smile, "I loved hanging out with you at the mansion."

Wednesday's nervousness seemed to subside at that, though she did not smile.

"…Your father bought you a mansion," Willow asked, shocked beyond belief.

"Yes, he did," Wednesday deadpanned, rising to her feet, "And I need to finish moving in if I am to get to bed at a descent hour."

"Let me help you," Xander said, rising as well and gathering up her bag.

"Sophia," Wednesday called to the hand, "Would you join me?"

Sophia, having been afraid that she would end up back in the box, eagerly scuttled over to Wednesday, crawling over Riley and Buffy as she did so, and quickly leapt onto her shoulder.

"Walk me to my car, Alex," Wednesday stated as she exited the room.

"Be back, guys," Xander called as he followed her out, shutting the door behind him.

Her friends sat in silence for a long moment afterwards, before finally, one of them voiced what they were all thinking.

"What the Hell just happened," Tara said loudly, completely out of character.

"I believe we have just met one of Xander's friends," Giles stated casually, "…an odd friend, but, a friend…I believe…"

"She's…nice," Willow lied, "…Or…what the Hell just happened?"

ÀÀÀ

"You know, you genuinely freaked out my friends," Xander smiled as he followed his once crush out to her car.

"Alex, is this the face of a woman who cares," she asked sarcastically, pointing to her face, which held that ever-constant expression of nothing.

"Absolutely not," he said with a smile.

At first, while he'd been staying at the Addams Mansion, he and Wednesday hadn't got along at all. Gomez had taken an instant liking to him, seeing a bit of himself in him, and had immediately set about teaching him how to use a sword, to golf, and other useful skills. Fester and Pugsley had also taken a liking to him, after he'd noticed them putting together a bomb in the basement and had immediately noted that they were using too small a charge in order to get the desired bang. Needless to say, their favorite pastime had been blowing up sheds and embankments and the occasional warehouse.

Morticia and her mother had despised him immediately upon his arrival, already aware that he and his friends killed vampires and demons, or as she called them, 'our undead friends and family, some of whom we have known for centuries.' It had taken him time, but, eventually, he was able to worm his way into their affections. Gomez was, remarkably, completely uncaring about his position on the undead and the supernatural, claiming that 'every man must have his cause.' In spite of all this, Grandmama Addams had taught him several protection spells in hopes of keeping him alive (she claimed that she would miss his company), and Morticia had began to treat him as a surrogate son after seeing the way he and Pugsley got along.

Wednesday, at first, had barely acknowledged his existence. She professed that it wasn't because of his nightly habits, believing that all he did was give them the chance to 'accept the gift that is death,' as she called it. The reason why she refused him, he found out, was because he hid all of his emotional insecurities and instabilities through the mask of the joker. She could see in his eyes, she claimed, that he was truly unhappy and that, even though she acted unhappy and morbid, she was happier than he ever had been. It had taken some time, but, eventually, he and Wednesday had come to an understanding of each other. She genuinely began to enjoy his company, and he did as well. He'd found her to be, while distant, morbid, and blunt, an extremely charming person, as well as a philosophical one. She'd found him to be 'tolerable,' at least in terms of her relations with 'normal people.'

He had actually began to crush on her before he'd left…and, if he was any judge of the female character (which he wasn't, but, he could still be right), she was crushing on him as well.

"Where are you living now, Alex," she'd also refused to call him Xander, simply because she found the name to be 'anachronistic in relation to the rest of the world.'

"In my family's basement," Xander said with a sigh, "God, I hate them."

"Then, do something about it," Wednesday returned, a slight amount of anger in her voice, "You can move out, you know."

"I have nowhere to go," Xander replied, "I don't want to be a burden to my friends."

"…You could," that rare nervousness came back as she leaned against her car, "Come live with me. I've got…plenty of room."

Xander stared at her for a moment…then, he smiled.


	4. Chapter 4

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

"Alright, let's be sensible about this," Giles reasoned as he sat down, "Xander and this girl seem to know each other, they said they met during the summer."

"She's evil," Buffy stated forcefully.

"She seems to be," Giles tried to continue.

"She's evil," Willow interrupted him.

"Ah, she seems like-"

"Giles," Buffy interrupted.

"She's EVIL," Willow and Buffy said at once.

"Her family bought her a mansion that I bet's creepy," Buffy began.

"They sent C4 and a disembodied hand as presents," Willow continued.

"She was insulting and rude."

"And she knew about demons and what we do!"

"In short," Buffy said.

"SHE'S EVIL," the two said together.

"We get it," Riley said, "You think she's evil."

"What, and you don't," Buffy demanded.

"I think she's anti-social and incredibly rude, but not evil," Riley said, "I mean, weird, without a doubt, weird, but, evil…I said the same thing about Oz, and you got pissed at me."

"…Tara, what do you think," Buffy asked their Wiccan friend.

"…I think she's," Tara stopped for a second, assessing her own opinion, "…I don't know. I don't think she's evil, but I know she's not normal."

"You were the one who reacted so strongly when she left," Willow reminded her girlfriend, "Come on, don't hold back."

"…I don't think she's evil, but I know she's abnormal," she repeated.

ÀÀÀ

"…Oh, my God," Xander shouted as he examined her car, "…How? I thought all your cars were from the dark ages."

Wednesday let through a small smile, the first one ever, as he gawked at her car. It was a 1983 black Mustang, with her family's creed painted on the side in gothic lettering. All in all, very cool.

"A gift from Father," Wednesday deadpanned, "For both of us."

"…Why did you come here," he asked, fully serious.

"…I wanted to take a chance on the Hellmouth," Wednesday explained, becoming nervous again, "And…I wanted to…take a chance on…"

"You're scaring me here, Wednesday," Xander said, honestly, "What?"

"…Would you like to go out sometime," she forced out in her own deadpan way.

"…Anya?"

Wednesday stared at him for a moment, before noticing that he was looking behind her. She turned around and saw a beautiful girl with red hair.

"…Xander," she responded.

"…Oh, crap," Xander muttered.

ÀÀÀ

A/N: The Addams Family Creed, if you go by the movies is '_Sic gorgiamos allos subjectatus nunc._' 'We gladly feast on those who would subdue us,' as translated by Morticia Addams.


	5. Chapter 5

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

"Xander," Anya demanded as she walked up to him, "Who is this?"

"…Ugh, Anya, hi," Xander said, nervous as Hell, "This is-"

"Instead of demanding an answer from him about me," Wednesday interrupted, pissed off, "Why don't you simply ask me what my name is?"

"…Who is this girl, Xander," she demanded once more, "And why does she insist on being so rude?"

"…You know what, An," Xander said, getting pissed as well, "Ask her. Leave me the Hell out of it."

Anya stared at him in disbelief.

"So, you break up with me, and now, here you are, flouncing your girl right in front of my face," Anya raged.

"Stop," Wednesday interrupted grimly, "I am not, nor ever will be, 'his girl.' I am my own, no one else's."

"And," Xander continued, "I didn't break up with you. You're the one who just got up and left because you were scared. You just tried to turn it around and blame it on me. Secondly, it's none of your goddamned business who I go out with, ok, Anya! Think, for God's sake, if you were still a vengeance demon, would you be here exacting vengeance for yourself?"

Anya stared off for a moment as she considered.

"…No," she admitted, "But, I should be!"

"Enough," Xander said, "Anya, you had your shot, Hell, you had two shots! You've been alive over a thousand years, you can handle yourself. Now, just leave me alone!"

Xander groaned in frustration as he walked away from Anya, heading over to Wednesday's car. Anya meant to pursue him, but Wednesday came up to her, arms crossed.

"We haven't been properly introduced," she deadpanned, "I'm Wednesday Addams."

"…Of the Addams Family," Anya said, fear written upon her face.

"Be afraid," Wednesday leaned in, "Be very afraid."

ÀÀÀ

"So, what do you know about the Addams', Giles," Buffy asked, "You said you know her father?"

"Gomez," Giles said with a slight grin, "He is the most childish man I have ever met. Him and Xander would get along infamously. He was captain of my fencing team during my first year at Oxford. He comes from 'old money,' as they say, and…well, in spite of his shortcomings and…idiosyncrasies, he is a good-hearted man…in spite of his unusual habits."

"Like," Willow encouraged.

"Well, he was insanely happy when he crashed model trains together," Giles remembered, "I swear, the man would put explosives in the trains just to get the best bang he could get."

Willow and Buffy shared a look.

ÀÀÀ

"Jiminy Christmas," Xander shouted as he began to trudge up the walkway to Wednesday's mansion, "You weren't kidding when you said it was big."

The mansion was fairly large, with four levels, five if it had a basement, and it had a covered deck, along with several balconies. The very top came in a tower-like shape, with one window for each side. The house was deep in the woods, centered inside of a dead patch of trees, with a moor behind the house. The house itself was gated entirely with uninviting spikes littered all over them. All in all, it was the kind of house he fully expected her family to buy.

"It has a basement," Wednesday remarked, "The electricity won't be hooked up for another week or so, so we'll have to do with candlelight."

"I'm sure you're used to that," Xander said, remembering that very rarely was there an electric light bulb on in the Addams mansion.

"Quite," Wednesday remarked with a small smile, "I seem to recall you jumping out of your skin each time Uncle Fester or Lurch came by."

"Well, they scared me in that light," Xander argued as he and Wednesday began to drag her luggage up to the house.

Soon, they were inside, dropping down her luggage as they examined the interior. It could only have been described as 'Victorian Gothic.' Or 'Hellmouthy,' as Xander would put it. Wisely, though, he kept his mouth shut.

"Are you staying," Wednesday asked him quietly, afraid of the answer, "I know it's not your home, but…you're always welcome here."

"…I can see why you like it," Xander said.

"You're stalling," Wednesday said.

"I know," he replied, "It's not you…the house scares the crap outta me."

"It's not haunted," she explained casually, "Grandmama checked for me. She was disappointed, but knew you would like that."

"…I'd love to," Xander said, "But, why don't you stay with me tonight? I only have a basement to offer, but, it'd be better than being in the cold."

"I like it," Wednesday protested, "But, if it'll convince you…"

"You're above such things as bribery, Wednesday," he chided her lightly, "Why're you so nervous?"

"…The only crushes I've ever had are on Marilyn Manson and Jack Skellington," Xander had to smile at that, "I never…ever envisioned myself wanting to go out with someone like you," she offered no apology, and he didn't expect one…it was the truth and, in truth, he never would have expected himself to have fallen for someone like Wednesday, "I don't know how to be around you…you find me creepy, even though you care for me. I try to be careful around you, so I don't scare you away."

"Don't worry," Xander said with a smile, "You can be yourself around me…you were before we even became friends, remember," he wrapped an arm around her, and she leaned into him slightly, "Don't water yourself down to suit me."

She smiled at him.

"Let's go out tonight, after we settle you in," Xander said suddenly, "We'll hit every club in Sunnydale within an hour."

"How many clubs are there," she deadpanned.

"Four, two if you exclude vampire ones," she became intrigued upon hearing that, "No."

"But," she protested.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, NO!"

"…Coward."

"Creepy girl," he replied, still smiling.

"…I hate you," she returned.

"Same, here," the two embraced slightly, "Alright, but only if you promise to not do something stupid like let one feed off you."

"I'm an Addams," she replied with pride, "You have to fight for my blood."

"I'll say that for ya," he grinned, "You're weird as Hell, but, you don't back down from anything."


	6. Chapter 6

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

Xander walked in with trepidation as he followed Wednesday inside the club. She, on the other hand, walked in without an ounce of fear. There were times when he envied her, and now was one of those times.

"I had to mention the vampire clubs, didn't I," Xander said with a sigh, "Why did I have to mention them!?"

"Because, you're an idiot," Wednesday deadpanned.

"Oh, my God," Xander and Wednesday turned around as they both heard a familiar voice call out to them, "Xander Harris!"

"Oh, God," Xander cringed as Harmony Kendall walked up to him, a cup of blood in her hands.

"What the Hell are you doing in here, you're not turned," she said, eying him slightly, "Oh…you're addicted to the bite, aren't you? Those're the only kinds of people that come in here, aside from the ones that wanna pay to be turned or wanna commit suicide and…what the Hell are you staring at?"

Xander turned to Wednesday, who was…smiling the most evil smile he had ever seen.

"What's your problem, bitch," Harmony snarled.

"…Hello, Amanda," Wednesday purred.

Harmony, if at all possible, became even paler than before. She stared at Wednesday, fear alight in her eyes, and gulped.

"…Wednesday," Harmony asked, hoping to any being above or below that it wasn't her.

"I haven't seen you since Chippewa," Wednesday remarked, still smiling, "Did your parents ever buy you a new retainer?"

"…I gotta go," Harmony quivered out as she took flight out of the club.

"…Do I wanna know," Xander asked quietly.

"Probably not," Wednesday said, that smile still present.

ÀÀÀ

"The Addams' have investments in nearly every single part of the country, and some in Italy, Mexico, and Canada," Willow said in exasperation as she researched the Addams', "This man, Gomez, has absolutely no economic skill, he's just lucky as Hell. Do you know what they call him," no one nodded, "The Plunger! He picks investments based upon nothing but what he likes. He turned down Enron because he didn't like the logo! How much luckier do you get?"

"Maybe there's a demonic force helping him in investments," Buffy suggested.

"How did he gain that nickname," Giles inquired.

"…He's a member of the plumbers union," Willow admitted, "It just fit well with the context."

ÀÀÀ

"Oh…My…God," Xander exclaimed, laughing his butt off as Wednesday finished her tale, "That is…you're not shitting me," he questioned her.

She merely lifted an eyebrow.

"You're not shitting me," Xander stated, then started laughing uncontrollably again, "Y-you tied her to a tree," he stopped for a moment as another burst of giggles came through, "And lit the," he started up even more, "Match!"

By now, he couldn't take it anymore, and fell off his stool in a burst of laughter, all while Wednesday was calmly watching him, almost as though she were enjoying this. After leaving the vampire bar, he had taken her to the Bronze, his usual hangout spot, to introduce her to his way of hanging out.

"I'm ok," Xander said, climbing back onto the stool, "ok…I'm ok!"

"Feel better," Wednesday asked casually.

"No," Xander said, struggling to contain his giggles, "But, I think I will be."

"It would help if you'd been ok to begin with," a British voice to the side said.

Wednesday and Xander turned around, watching as a platinum blonde vampire in a black leather jacket walked up to them.

"Oh, Spike," Xander grinned, "How happy Bob Barker must be, knowing that not only our pets are being spayed and neutered."

"Shut your stupid gob, you arse," Spike replied, before turning to Wednesday, "And, who might you be, love?"

"I am not your love," Wednesday replied with a glare in her eyes, "And my name is Wednesday Addams."

"…Addams," Spike asked in shock, "Addams, as in, Gomez and Morticia?"

"The same," Wednesday responded.

"…You know, I think I need a drink," Spike stuttered out, "Goodnight, and I'll not be bugging you no more."

With that, he hightailed it out of dodge.

"…They know about you," Wednesday nodded, "…You scared Spike away…I could love you."

"Don't try and flatter me, Alex," Wednesday said with a small frown, "Flattery will get you nowhere."

"Sorry," Xander said with a grin, "It's just my way."

"I noticed your way earlier," Wednesday remarked, "You fell back into character quite quickly…explain."

Xander chuckled, enjoying her bluntness about the situation.

"Don't try to joke," Wednesday preempted him, "Just answer the question."

Xander frowned this time, but he decided to do as she asked.

"…When I came back, Buffy was dejected, so…"

"You reverted to type," she filled in, "And, for maybe ten seconds, you felt important, and then, you went back to being ignored and disrespected."

"…We had a big blowout about that earlier, just a few weeks ago, to be honest," Xander said, "For a while there, we were all so observant of each other's feelings…but, we all fell back into part."

"You seek what you can never get from them, Xander," Wednesday told him, "Their approval is something that you don't need."

"I know, but," he frowned again, leaning forward onto the table, "I just wish they'd consider me."

"You don't need their consideration, or their approval of anything," Wednesday continued, "You want it, though…you have to accept that they will never see you as more than a bumbling blockhead."

"…Maybe you're right," Xander sighed, sitting up, "But, still, it hurts. How do you deal with being ostracized in school?"

"I remind myself that I have true friends," Wednesday replied, "That there are people who love me for me. Besides, it isn't so bad…the Goths worship me."

Xander giggled a little bit at that.


	7. Chapter 7

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

Giles sighed as the girls continued to gossip and henpeck everything and anything they could find about the Addams Family. While he had to admit that a lot of it was riveting and downright mysterious, none of it directly fell into context with their usual motes operandi. Aside from that, Xander seemed to trust her, so, he felt that there was nothing more that needed to be said about the situation…at least until tomorrow.

A sudden knocking on his door jarred his attention away from the girls.

"Just a minute," he called out as he hurried over to escape Buffy and Willow.

As soon as he opened the door, however, he slammed it back shut.

"Oh, bloody Hell, is there no end to this," he muttered.

"Who is it, Giles," Buffy demanded.

"Harmony," he responded with a sigh.

"Lemme go get my stake," Buffy remarked, quickly coming to her feet.

"…She's a vampire," Giles questioned.

"Yes, I am, you jerk, and you nearly squished my nose," he heard Harmony's shrill voice shout out, "Look, I really need to talk to you guys."

"…Alright, but, you make any sudden moves," Giles warned as Buffy returned, stake in hand, "Buffy, let's hear her out first, then you can stake her."

"…ok," Buffy replied, disappointed.

Giles opened the door, revealing the pink-attired Harmony Kendall, who looked as though she'd run like the wind to get here.

"Thank you," she said to Giles, "Listen, guys, you don't like, and I don't like you, we're nemesises…or nemesi…or whatever."

"Get to the point, Harmony," Willow interrupted her tirade tiredly.

"Someone very dangerous just rolled into town," Harmony continued, "She's with dorkhead…Xander, I think his name was."

"Wednesday," Buffy and Willow said immediately, "What do you know?"

"The Addamses have a big reputation in the underworld," Harmony picked up, "They buy and collect magical items, they even harbor vampires during the night…I've never been there myself, but, from what I've heard, their very hospitable…they even serve human blood."

Buffy and Willow shared a look at that.

"Wednesday, though, she's probably the worst of the lot," Harmony said, "Before I moved to Sunnydale and became Harmony Kendall, I lived out of Connecticut as Amanda Buckman. I used to go to this camp, Camp Chippewa…my last year there, Wednesday and her little brother came…they torched the camp and tried to burn me at the stake!"

Everyone stared at her in shock.

"Oy," another voice joined in as Spike came trotting up the way, "Harmony, what the bloody Hell are you doing here?! They'll stake you…why isn't she staked yet?"

Harmony smacked him.

"I'm here to warn them about Wednesday, you jerk," Harmony 'snarled.'

"Oh, you saw them, too," Spike said in surprise, "I haven't seen an Addams since the freakin seventies, and I never wanna see another one again."

"What do you know about them," Buffy demanded immediately.

"Blood, smokes, and money, love," Spike responded with a grin.

"…I won't stake Harmony," Buffy offered.

"Come on, now, you know she annoys me as much as she annoys you, all she's good for is a good roll in the sack!"

"Hey," Harmony complained, "Right here, you know!"

"Alright, fine," Buffy responded, walking back inside, "Here's a hundred dollars, will that buy something?"

"Something, love, but not everything," Spike responded with a smile, "Alright, you know who the monkey boy's with, right," at their nod, he continued, "Wednesday Addams has a reputation amongst us vamps. She's got dark powers, girls, worse than anything I've ever seen. And, if she's anything like her mother, she's a masochist."

Neither Buffy nor Willow reacted to that, though Tara had a very…interested look upon her face.

"She likes to be cut and burning and whipped during sex, you buggering ninnies," Spike yelled.

"…That's just wrong," Willow muttered.

"Well, don't be too hasty, Willow," Tara said, "Y-you need to keep an…open mind."

Everyone's eyes were on Tara. Spike was smiling an odd smile, as though he were enjoying every second of this.

"…I think I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Tara squeaked out, running for dear life.

"…it's always the quiet ones," Spike said with a sigh, "Anyway, till you get me more, I'm off, sun's starting to rise."

"Kill her, Buffy," Harmony begged the Slayer, "She's dangerous!"

"Harm," Spike yelled, "C'mon, will ya! I wanna bugger!"

"…On that note," Giles slammed the door shut.

ÀÀÀ

Xander cracked an eye as a glaring light invaded it. He blinked a few times, then, slowly shifted his gaze to his left, where a sleeping Wednesday lay. He stared at her for a moment, examining her, then, calmly grasped the blankets and sheets and lifted them up. He stared into them for a moment before calmly lowering them back down, then, he laid his head down on his pillow and sighed.

"Crap."


	8. Chapter 8

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

"Ok, stop and think here, Xander," he muttered as he lay in the bed, afraid of waking the sleeping Wednesday, "Did we do it?"

He searched his memories for a second, but, all he could remember was laying down on the bed in his basement…then, nothing. That could be good, though, as he didn't remember taking off any clothes…yet, that didn't explain why both he and Wednesday were naked.

He jerked up suddenly as he felt something grasp at Little Xander. He stared at the covers for a second, watching them for any indication of movement. When he saw none, he decided that Wednesday must have just shifted in her sleep without him noticing. As he laid back down, however, he felt it again. Quickly, he turned to Wednesday, expecting her to be awake, but he was surprised to see that she was still sleeping.

As he felt another grasp, he reached underneath the covers and searched around…finding there to be an extra hand where there should be only four.

"Sophia," he muttered, grabbing at her, only to have her scuttle away from him.

"Just what I need," he muttered, "A hand with no respect for personal boundaries."

He heard something to his right and looked over to his nightstand, where Sophia was perched.

"Don't do that again, Sophia," Xander ordered.

She snapped her fingers, letting him know that she got the message. She snapped a few more times.

"Yeah, I could use some breakfast," he replied, "I hate to ask, but, seeing as how Wednesday is occupying my time…and bed, here…would you?"

Sophia jumped up and saluted him in the air.

"Thanks, Sophia," he said with a smile, "But, don't ever do that again…unless you ask first, got it?"

Sophia seemed to get red for a second before jumping off the nightstand and scuttling up the stairs.

"You shouldn't have said that," he looked down to see Wednesday, finally awake, staring up at him, "Now she'll think she has a chance."

"While a hand would be good for some things," he replied, "There's much more needed for a good relationship."

"Just make sure she knows you're mine, Alex," Wednesday instructed.

"Oh, I'm yours, am I," he smiled cheekily at her.

"Please," she responded, "You and I have been flirting nonstop, and we both know we like each other. We're in a relationship, Alexander," _the whole name_, he thought grimly, "Accept it."

"…Why are we both in my bed, naked," Xander finally asked.

"You passed out as soon as we came downstairs," she said, "I took your clothes off, and I sleep in the nude, so…is that a problem for you?"

"Not really," he said, "I trust you…just had to wonder if we did anything, you know. Plus, how did you know I sleep naked, anyway?"

She blushed.

"I had Thing find out while you were at the mansion," Wednesday replied nervously.

"…Even Wednesday Friday Addams is at the beckon call of her hormones," he said with a smile, "There's hope for the world, yet."

"Quiet, you," Wednesday replied, embarrassed, "Or I'll sick Pubert on you."

Xander visibly cringed at that one. That baby despised him for some reason.

A snapping sound alerted him to the stairs, where Sophia was signaling that breakfast was almost ready.

"Thanks, Sophia, you're a doll," he grinned at her before turning to Wednesday, "We should get dressed."

"Yes, we should," she stood up quickly, gathering the blankets to cover herself, "…I had fun last night, Alex."

"So did I, Wednesday," he said as he watched her walk into the bathroom, "So did I."

ÀÀÀ

Xander and Wednesday left his basement about and hour after breakfast, carting a good amount of his belongings with him. They had decided over breakfast that he would be sleeping in one of the second floor bedrooms, while Wednesday would take the master bedroom on the third floor. She was planning on turning one of the three bedrooms on the second floor into an office so that she could study and do her hobbies (writing, beheading dolls, etc.) in peace.

Xander had gotten a job on a construction site within walking distance of the mansion, so, he would be spending most of his day there. He had begun cleaning out the kitchen and adding in items that he thought would be necessary (he swore that he would introduce Wednesday to Twinkies, one way or another).

Sophia had been tasked with searching downstairs in the basement for anything that might be noteworthy. She'd come back with nothing to report, except that there might be a leak in waterline. After further inspection, Xander had decided that it would be best to call someone in.

For about a week after that, nothing too excitable happened. Wednesday adjusted the house and worked on a book she was writing (she refused to let Xander see what it was about), and Xander worked on the site and came home to a good shower and a great meal, courtesy of Sophia. He and Wednesday had been out a few times, with fun had by all…but, like all good things, this was to come to an end.

ÀÀÀ

Xander walked home late that Friday evening, bone tired and dusty as Hell. He wanted to get a shower and some sleep.

"Honey, I'm home," he shouted out.

"Must you do that every time you enter the house," Wednesday remarked as she came down the stairs to greet him.

"Of course I must, if only because it annoys you," he grinned cheekily at her.

She glared at him mildly, before turning away and walking into the kitchen, where Sophia had started cooking dinner.

"Thanks, Sophia," he said as he passed by her, with her delicately measuring the amount of sugar to add to the concoction.

"What're we having tonight," he wondered, checking the board which she usually wrote the menu on, "…Crème de la Addams…careful, Sophia, or you might start to like normal food."

She added in the sugar, scuttled over towards him, and flipped him the bird.

"Is that a request, Sophia," he grinned at the hand, which seemed to grow red for a moment before turning around and scuttling back to her dish.

He had, strongly against Wednesday's wishes, continued to flirt with the hand. In truth, he knew Sophia was only mildly attracted to him and had no strong feelings for him, otherwise he wouldn't flirt. He mainly did it as yet another way to annoy Wednesday. He'd made it his mission to make her deadpan nature crack, if only once, so that he could say he did.

Yes, it took a brave, foolhardy man to defy the will of Wednesday Addams…perhaps that was why she cared so much about him.

The woman in question, however, was privy to his desires, and had no intention on cracking at anytime soon…though, if she ever found Sophia in his bed again, she would certainly have a thing or two to say.

"Alex," she called up to him from the third floor, "Could you come up here, please?"

"Right," he called, swiftly running up the stairs in order to get there faster…yeah, he was whipped, so what?

As he arrived at her office, he took a moment to catch his breath before asking her what was up.

"My book," she responded, handing him a stack of papers, "I want you to read it."

"You're done," he asked, surprised.

"Only if you and my editor say so," she said, that odd nervousness returning again.

"Ugh, I hate to sound like this, but," he leaned forward slightly, "I barely passed English…why would you want my approval before publishing it?"

"You'll see, once you read it," she remarked quietly, turning away from him as she reentered her office, "I want you to know something, Xander…I care for you…deeply."

With that somehow foreboding declaration in mind, she closed the doors to her office, hoping that he would take it well.


	9. Chapter 9

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

2 Days Later…

Wednesday came home a little late that day because of student orientation at USC Sunnydale, so, she was somewhat surprised to find that Xander was already home. Shaking away her worries, she calmly ascended the stairs to her house and entered. Xander was waiting there, sitting calmly in the living room, her manuscript in his hands.

As soon as he stood up, she knew what he was here for.

"We need to talk," he said quietly.

ÀÀÀ

Xander was pissed…no, scratch that, he was PISSED OFF. As soon as he and Wednesday entered her office, he threw down the manuscript.

"What the Hell, Wednesday," he started off, "Why?"

"It's a good story," she deadpanned, "There are things in it that need to be said."

"You didn't write down a story," he responded, growing more and more upset, "You wrote down my biography as a work of fiction! You made my friends out to be heartless monsters!"

"Will you quit defending them," she demanded, an almost pleading note entering her voice, "You grovel at their feet, expecting them to give you the respect you deserve, when you know, deep down in your heart, that they never will."

"They're my friends, Wednesday," he said once more, "I don't care if you don't like them, I love them!"

"You love too much," she uttered.

"…Maybe I do," he was still mad, but, it was a different kind of mad now…he was quiet.

"You love people that will never return that love," she tried to capitalize, only it was enough to set him off again.

"And you can," he raged at her, "You think you have to fill some kind of a void in my heart! How can you, Wednesday, you don't even have one!"

She stared at him for a moment, shock clearly written across her face. He stared back, a look of shock on his face as well. Slowly, however, her shock dissolved into pure nothingness. She strode forward, grabbed her coat, and walked outside of the house, leaving Xander in his stupor.

ÀÀÀ

Xander slowly sat down in his chair, watching the day pass before him. He was somewhat catatonic, shocked more the word…he hadn't meant to say that. He knew how sensitive Wednesday could be sometimes, especially about her mannerisms. In a moment of anger, he'd said something incredibly stupid…_brilliant_, he thought to himself.

He turned his head slightly to watch as Sophia scuttled towards the door, after Wednesday, but, before she exited, she turned to him once, flipped him off, then continued on her way.

ÀÀÀ

She walked through the streets of Sunnydale, a cold being amongst fellow cold beings. Humans, demons, and vampires alike parted before her, compelled by she feelings of cold she was emitting. A foreign pain, a new pain, was deeply embedded in her heart now…heartache, something she was not accustomed to.

She stopped for a moment, took a deep breath, then calmly began to turn around. It had been an hour…it was time to-

Before she could move, though, a bolt of lightning struck her, and she thought no more.

ÀÀÀ

"We got her, Buffy," Riley said as he and Graham picked up the unconscious Addams, "We'll have her tied up at Giles's by the time you get there."

"Thanks, Riley, for not doing that in front of Xander," she said to him over the phone, "See you in a little bit."

ÀÀÀ

From a few feet away, Sophia watched as the two commandoes dragged her friend away. Without a second's pause, she turned around and began to scuttle back to the mansion.


	10. Chapter 10

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

Xander was reclining in his chair in the main room, having fallen asleep shortly after sunset. He had been waiting for Wednesday to come home…but, she hadn't by the time he'd been woken.

The method used to wake him up, he could have done without. A large amount of water had somehow been dumped onto him from the second floor. His first thought had been of how he would fix that, followed by another of how water could spill down from an area where the pumps were nowhere near.

He was jarred from his thoughts, however, as a hand slapped him across the face.

"Alright, I'm up," he shouted at Sophia, who landed quickly on the ground, "What is it?"

She proceeded to snap very quickly, very loudly, and very easily losing Xander in the process.

"What," he shouted, "Wednesday's caught a bird?"

Sophia slapped him again, then, repeated the sequence, this time slower.

"Wednesday's been captured," he repeated, "Ok…not good. What happened?"

She described the sequence of events to him, and he immediately knew who was behind it.

"Ok, Sophia, I need you to lead me to the weapons, I know Wednesday brought some that're better than mine. Then, I'm gonna need you to find her cell phone for me, I might need some help. While I'm gone, be working on having the house barricaded except for the front, we might have to repel an attack. Got that?"

Sophia saluted him.

"Great," he said, "Weapons!"

ÀÀÀ

Wednesday woke up slowly, blinking her way back to consciousness. She took a look around quickly, then sighed in irritation.

"Excellent," she muttered.

"Glad to see you're awake," she turned her attention to Buffy and Willow as the two came up to her, arms crossed and glares on their faces.

"You do realize, of course, that this is effectively going to drive Alex away from you, right," Wednesday responded.

"It won't matter, he needs to be looked after," Buffy stated, "We couldn't figure out what spell you have on him, but no one builds that kind of closeness that fast. You put a spell on him."

"We bonded during his stay at the mansion," Wednesday responded, already bored with this nonsense, "He had a crush on me when he left. Perhaps our relationship is going a bit fast, but, considering the circumstances, how could it not?"

"Circumstances," Willow demanded.

"His friends neglect him, to the point where they'd kidnap his romantic interest, his parents abuse him, and he's struggling to get by because he hasn't found his niche in life yet, causing all of you to think him worthless," Wednesday said bluntly, "I told him all of this last summer, and he told me that he would try and change your relationship, but, he reverted back to type because you were in a moment of need."

The two girls stared at her for a moment, so put off by her speech…

"Enough," Buffy snapped out of it first, "I won't tolerate your lies anymore. Tell us what you've done to Xander!?"

Wednesday rolled her eyes, settling in for a long wait.

ÀÀÀ

Xander pulled up outside Giles's apartment complex, parking as quickly as possible. He stopped for a second to check his gear, then, opened his door and began to check the area. Riley and Graham were stationed outside, obviously there to prevent him from getting too far.

Fortunately, though, he had backup.

He paced for a few moments, though, waiting on his compatriots to arrive. Not a second after he'd begun to give up, a flash of light appeared from behind him, causing him to turn around. He smiled as soon as he saw who it was.

Gomez Addams came up to him first, dressed in his usual dark pin-stripped suit, with a cigar in his mouth. He had on dark pants and boots, and a sword strapped to his belt, dangling dangerously on his left side. Not far behind him was Pugsley Addams, his oldest son, and the only being that could explode more buildings with a single block of C4 than Xander. He was dressed in his usual white and black striped shirt, black shorts, and boots with calf-high black socks. He was carrying a duffel bag with his left hand while his riht hand was carrying a large staff.

"Alexander, old man," Gomez greeted him jovially, immediately drawing him into a hug, which Xander happily returned, "How delightful it is to see you again, though I do wish the circumstances weren't as they were."

"Same here, Gomez," Xander responded in kind before turning his attention to Pugsley, "How's it hanging there, Reject?"

"Not bad, Sociopath, not bad," Pugsley grinned at him, "I can't wait to see what Wednesday's gonna do to your friends, no offense."

"None taken," Xander replied, "I'm pretty pissed at them at the moment, myself."

"Kidnapping an Addams is not something we take kindly to," Gomez said, pulling out his cigar as he did so, "A kidnapping between friends is a welcome surprise, but, not like this."

Xander smiled at that.

"What's the plan, Xander," Pugsley asked, eager to save his sister, and for a fight.

"Simple," Xander started off, "You and me take down Heckle and Jeckle down there, while Gomez goes though the window and makes sure the others are occupied. We grab Wednesday, then get the Hell outta dodge."

"Superb," Gomez exclaimed, "I've been yearning to test myself against a worthy foe, and there are few worthier than a Slayer."

"Only kill her if you have to," Xander said, "Best of luck, guys."

ÀÀÀ

It happened quickly with Riley and Graham. Xander and Pugsley came up behind them and laid into them with baseball bats, though Pugsley complained about wanted to torture them, but, Xander said 'No unnecessary deaths…yeah, no unnecessary deaths.'

They then waited till they got the signal from Gomez (him back flipping through the back window), then, they invaded the flat. Gomez had leapt through the back window, as planned, and was currently involved in a sword fight with Giles.

"Hello, Ripper, old man," Gomez smiled charmingly at his old schoolmate, "Fancy meeting you here."

"Likewise, Gomez," Giles returned with a smile, "En guard?"

"HA!" Gomez flung his sword at him, and Giles expertly parried, and the battle was on.

"Xander," Buffy and Willow came up to him, "She's got you under some kind of spell," he could see Wednesday rolling her eyes at that, and he had to smile.

"You're damn right she does, Buffy," they both visibly relaxed at that, "It's called love, you dingbat!"

Pugsley tackled Buffy to the ground, startling her as he did so, and the two were quickly involved in a brawl.

"Wills, don't make me move you," Xander said.

He noticed, however, that her eyes weren't focused on him…they were focused on the ground, and she was whispering to herself.

"Willow, what-"

Before he could continue, however, a wave of warmth spread through the air, freezing himself and everyone else in the room in the position they had been in.

"ENOUGH," all eyes tried to move to Tara, who was standing in the center of the room, eyes glowing white, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!!?"


	11. Chapter 11

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

"Sit," Tara instructed, magically enforcing her will, "Now, what the Hell is going on here?"

"Your friends," the now unbound Wednesday indicated Buffy and Willow, "Had their trolls capture me, and Alex, my father, and my brother came to rescue me."

"…Is that true," Tara asked Buffy and Willow, who looked up at her in determination.

"Yeah," Buffy said, "You know what she is, Tara, she's cast some kind of spell on Xander, we have to stop her!"

"…What about Willow," Tara demanded, "If Wednesday cast a spell on Xander, then who's to say I haven't cast a spell on Willow?"

No one could say anything to that.

"You two need to get this through your heads," Tara said sternly, "Yes, Wednesday is weird, rude, sarcastic, and morbid, no offense," Wednesday nodded, "But, she makes Xander happy! Why do you have this inane desire to interfere with his life when you know very well that if he did the same to you, you would be pissed off!?"

"He needs to be looked after," Willow said, "He's just normal."

"That young man is one of the bravest human beings I have ever met," Gomez spoke, his eyes alit with passion, "He fights for what he believes in, something that most people only dream to do! He is a friend to my family, a caring person, and has more courage than anyone I've ever known."

"And, he's an expert with dynamite," Pugsley threw in for good measure, making both Xander and Gomez grin and causing Gomez to wrap an arm around both with pride.

"…Alright," Tara said, absorbing the weirdness as best as she could, "So, you kidnap Wednesday because you think she put a spell on him…why didn't you just scan him for any magic?"

Neither Buffy nor Willow could answer her.

"Xander, take your friends and go," Tara instructed, "Giles, you can go, too, I know you were only roped into this."

"Why am I being told to leave my own home," Giles demanded, only to step back as Tara leveled a steely gaze onto him, "…I mean, feel free to use my home at your convenience."

"Thank you," Tara said, "I will call you once we are done."

ÀÀÀ

"Well, that was an enjoyable experience," Gomez remarked as he led his family and friends outside, "Darling, did they torture you?"

"No, Father," Wednesday answered, a small frown on her face.

"They kidnapped you, and didn't have the decency to torture you," Gomez was flabbergasted, "What is the world coming to?"

Pugsley and Wednesday shook their heads in disgust, while Xander and Giles just stared at them, though Xander did have a smile on his face.

"Well, enough of this," Gomez continued, "Your friend has the situation well in hand, I believe it is time for celebration!"

"Can you give me and Wednesday a minute," Xander asked hesitantly.

Gomez shared a look with Wednesday, before she nodded.

"Very well," Gomez said with a knowing smile, "Come, Ripper, old man, we must find a place to partake in the tasting of wine!"

"Excellent," Giles said with a smile, "I happen to know of a winery that has banquets open to the public, and I believe one is tonight."

(A/N: alright, we know there really wouldn't be one, but, this is a fic, role with it)

"Superb," Gomez remarked, "Pugsley, old man, would you like to join us?"

"I think I'll go and find a club, or blow something up," Pugsley said with a thoughtful look on his face.

"If you decide to blow something up, start with vampire nests," Xander asked.

"Ooh, hunting," Pugsley said with a grin, "Sounds like fun."

ÀÀÀ

"…Do you have something you'd like to say, Alex," Wednesday asked.

Ever since Giles had dropped them off, the two had sat in the den, uncomfortably trying to get a conversation started.

"…I know it doesn't mean much, but, I am sorry," Xander started, "I know what you think of apologies, that they're hollow and meaningless, but…"

"Do you really think that I'm heartless," Wednesday asked.

"…I know you aren't," Xander said, looking down, "I know it's difficult for you to act in any way emotional, but sometimes I just…I dunno, I forget that you do care."

Wednesday stared at him for a moment, before coming off her chair and kneeling down in front of him, taking his hand in her own.

"Feel that," she said, "My hands are warm. I have a pulse…I have a heart…I feel for you."

He stared at her, his eyes telling her that he doesn't want forgiveness…quite frankly, she didn't give a damn.

She leaned upward and graced his lips with her own. He hesitated for a moment, before responding in kind.

"Feel that?"

She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck. He hesitated once again before pulling her up into his lap. The kissing became more fevered as the two continued on, with Wednesday lowering her arms onto his chest.

"Feel that?"

Xander continued to kiss her, going down to her neck as she began to tug at his shirt. She lifted it up over his head, then began to focus on his chest. It became a bit too much for Xander, as he leaned backwards in his chair, bringing her down with him.

"Feel that?"


	12. Chapter 12

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

Pugsley sat back against the headstone, watching in anticipation at the tomb that he was about to blow up. There were several vampires in there, feasting on a corpse, all vulnerable…in danger…God, he loved this.

"Ahem," he looked up, finding himself face-to-face with a beautiful woman, "What is it that you're doing?"

"I'm about to blow up a nest of vampires," he stated, holding up the detonator, "Want in?"

She stared at him for a moment before smiling.

"Sure," she said, squatting down next to him, "I love killing things almost as much as I love sex."

Pugsley laughed at that. The two watched the tomb for a long moment, waiting till the last possible second, when Pugsley blew the tomb up.

"Woo-hoo!"

"Wow," she said in ecstasy, "Look at 'em burn!"

"Fun," he said, "Hey, what's your name again?"

"My name is Anya," she said, looking him up and down, "You look like a big, husky man. What's your name?"

"Pugsley Addams."

"…Addams," she looked positively petrified at that, "…Are you related to Wednesday?"

"Yeah, she's my sister," Pugsley said with a grin, "You know her?"

Anya smiled weakly, "You could say that."

ÀÀÀ

Giles sat up slowly, moaning in irritation as the hangover began to take over. After a half an hour at the winery, he and Gomez had decided to find a pub. Needless to say, there were only so many pubs in Sunnydale, so, before long they had ended up back at Willy's. After a few beers and a Guinness or two, the two had somehow wound up in a brawl with two vampires…and, for the life of him, he couldn't remember anything after that.

He looked up at the dirty wall before him, focusing on it for a moment to try and help alleviate his headache, before a familiar voice gained his attention.

"…And, then, you jab and twist forcefully, tearing through muscles and making the wound more severe."

"Gomez," Giles asked, blinking through his migraine.

"Rupert, old man," Gomez said, walking over to him, "How's your head?"

"Throbbing," Giles said, "…Gomez, why are you instructing these men in methods of killing people, and…why are we in a prison?"

Gomez smiled down at him, then said, "Why, I can't in good conscience let these men go about killing people without knowing the proper methods. And, we are in prison because you and I brawled with several police officers."

"…Smashing," Giles muttered with a grin, "Call one of the guards for me, will you, Gomez?"

"Certainly," Gomez stood up, "Hello, can someone speak to me for a second?" 

A few moments later, a cop came up to the cell.

"What," he demanded.

"Good morning, Officer," Giles sprang forward and grabbed him by his shirt, "I happen to know that our dear former mayor was a demon, and that you purposefully ignore calls during the night because your superiors told you about what goes on in the night. If you don't get me out of this cell right now, I swear to God I will spend the rest of my life making this police force suffer."

The man stared at him in shock, before nodding.

"You'll be outta here by this afternoon."

"Smashing."

ÀÀÀ

Buffy sighed, handing yet another dish to Willow.

"How much longer is she going to make us do this," Buffy whined as she continued scrubbing her dish.

"No idea," Willow responded, handing her dish off to Riley to continue washing.

"I think she adds another ten minutes each time you ask that question," Graham said, "So, maybe you could, I dunno…shut up!"

Riley chose to keep his mouth shut.

"He's right, you know," Tara said, walking down to join them, "Riley, Graham, you may go, seeing as you were outnumbered in this."

They took off like a gunshot.

"Outnumbered," Buffy asked, "How?"

Tara pointed at their boobs, "Four to two." 

ÀÀÀ

Xander woke up, feeling a warm, tingly feeling all over his body. He felt something shift to his side, and he turned his head to see Wednesday, lying beside him. He stared at her for a moment, before lifting up the sheets, checking underneath.

"We did it," he looked back at Wednesday, who was awake, staring at him intently.

"…Had to be sure," he let the covers fall down again, and wrapped an arm around her, bringing her close to him, "That was awesome."

"I aim to please," she snarked, but she was still happy to hear it.

She looked over to her left as she felt something land on the bed.

"Hello, Sophia," she greeted her friend.

Sophia snapped in greeting, then jumped down and tossed up a newspaper.

"Thanks," Wednesday responded, "And, that's absolutely none of your business."

Sophia snapped again.

"I heard that, Sophia," Xander said as Wednesday opened the paper, "And, the answer is four."

"Ass," Wednesday said, though she was blushing slightly.

"And damn proud of it," Xander said as Sophia went off.

"We're going out tonight."

"Where to," Xander asked, getting comfortable as he did so.

"You ever been to _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_?"


	13. Chapter 13

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

"Yes, Morticia, they treated me very badly in prison," Gomez said with a smile as he talked into his cell phone, "No, they didn't do that, but the food was terrible…well, a few of our cellmates were discussing how best to kill someone, and when I heard what they were saying, I just had to stand up and say 'That's not how you do it, _this_ is how you do it.' Yes, I gave a good lecture on effective means of killing someone…oh, Tish…that's French…"

Giles pointedly ignored this portion of the conversation as he sat down in his lounge, reading his book _1984_. Tara sat beside him, a cup of tea in hand, enjoying reading a tome on ancient cults in Mesopotamia. He heard something break, though, causing him to sit up and turn around swiftly.

"Watch what you're doing, Buffy," he shouted out.

"Sorry, Giles," the blonde Slayer said as she began to scrap up the plate.

"How much longer, Tara," Willow demanded as she continued dusting the shelves.

"Be happy I'm not making you dust Wednesday's house," Tara said, sipping her tea, "You wouldn't leave there for a year."

Willow and Buffy both visibly cringed at that.

"I swear, it's like they don't even realize that we're doing it for their own good," Tara said in exasperation.

"You think this is bad," Giles said, "One time, Buffy broke every piece of furniture in my house just to slay a 'demon' that turned out to be a rat."

"Hey!"

"One time, Willow and I were doing a spell, she turned my nose inside out," Tara said.

"I didn't mean to!"

"We were all trapped in this house with a fear demon once," Giles said, "There was a symbol painted on the floor, and I got the book for it, starting reading about how breaking the symbol would summon the demon…I get to 'destroying the symbol' and Buffy breaks the floorboards all around it, summoning the demon."

"He was five inches tall!"

"And, bless your lucky bloody stars that he was," Giles responded, "If he'd been sixty feet tall, then what would you have done, huh?"

"…Gone shopping?"

"Ooh, share some of Willow's bad stories," Tara said with a smile.

"Oh, I think I know just the one," Giles said, "See, she'd done this spell to make her will be done-"

"Oh, no," Willow looked positively horrified.

"Oh, yes," Giles said with a grin, "Anyway, I come to her, try talking to her about Oz, it was just after he'd left, see," Tara nodded, "And she says, 'you can't see anything,' next thing you know, poof!" he waved his hand in front of his eyes, "I'm blind."

"Willow," Tara shouted.

"I didn't mean to!"

"That's not even the worst of it," Giles said, "She and Buffy had a bit of a tiff earlier that day, and she had to go and find Spike, so Willow gets all huffy and says, 'Why doesn't she just go marry him?'" 

Tara spat up her tea as she began to laugh, and before long, Giles had joined in. Buffy was torn between glaring at them and Willow, while Willow was just standing there, beat red.

"…Tish, these are absolutely some of the strangest people I have ever met," Gomez said before smiling, "I love them!"

ÀÀÀ

(A/N: if you've never seen _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_, first off, I pity you, you virgin! Secondly, you can skip this part if you want, or choose to read it.)

Xander looked around him in a mixture of shock and awe. The theater was jam packed with people, all of them in costume and with papers tucked underneath their arm.

"Wednesday," he beseeched his girlfriend, who was dressed in a dirty maid's outfit, "What's this movie about?"

"It's a musical porn," Wednesday said off-hand, smiling at those around her.

"…Ok," Xander said, deeply disturbed.

"It's not really," Wednesday said, "It's indescribable, but, it's a great movie…you'll see."

They went into the hallway, but were stopped by an usher dressed in a dirty suit.

"Virgins?"

"What," Xander said in shock, "No, I most certainly am not."

"He is," Wednesday said, rolling her eyes before smacking him, "Shut up."

Xander wisely complied and allowed the usher to put a pink 'V' on his cheek. A few moments later, he and Wednesday were situated in the middle of the isle. He took a moment to look around, finding that nearly every seat in the theater was occupied.

"Damn," he said, "This movie is popular. But, I thought there were more people outside."

"There are," he turned to his right, seeing a guy dressed in…ladies' underwear (?), "Every room is playing the movie. Ha," he laughed as he saw the V, "You are about to receive an education, you fucking virgin!"

He stared at the guy for a moment, before turning to Wednesday, who was smiling widely now.

"…I feel like I did back in that vampire club," Xander said, causing Wednesday to laugh slightly.

The lights went out, and the movie began. He watched as the lips began to sing on the screen, laughing at the sheer absurdity of the song.

"_At the late night_,"

"Early morning," the crowd chanted.

"_Double-feature_,"

"Rocky Horror!"

"_Picture Show._"

He watched on as the wedding came to an end.

"_Janet_," one of the characters introduced themselves.

"SLUT!" "FUCKED-UP BITCH!"

_Holy crap_, he thought to himself.

"_Brad_," the other said.

"ASSHOLE!" "FUCKED-UP FAG!"

He looked over to Wednesday, who was looking at the screen, vividly attentive.

_What has she gotten me into_, he wondered to himself.

ÀÀÀ

"LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"

Wednesday smiled as she watched Xander dancing with a few other guys. She would join in, but she was a little bushed. She had thrown herself into the movie, but even now that it was over, Xander was still very into it. During the part where Frank-N-Furter came out and did his dance, he had exploded with laughter, and he had especially loved the bit where Rocky came out, mainly because the crowd picked up a rambunctious chant of 'STEROIDS!'

"GROUP SEX, GROUP SEX, GROUP SEX!" 

"Alright, that's enough thrusting for you tonight, Alex," she grabbed him by his hand, leading him away from the rest.

"Hopefully not," he whispered to her, causing her to blush slightly, before laughing and saying, "Oh, God, that was fan-fucking-tastic! I can't believe I've missed that movie for most of my life!!"

She couldn't believe how much she'd been smiling that night, her mouth was actually sore from all the fun. But, at that moment, she allowed one especially beaming smile loose. She was so happy that he'd enjoyed the movie!

"So much fun," Xander said, starting to wind down now.

"I assume you mean that you had fun," Wednesday said with a grin.

"Yeah," Xander said, wrapping his arm around her, "Awesome…hey, Wednesday…you can publish the book."

"…You sure," she asked, "I'll understand if you don't want me to."

"No, it's ok," Xander said, "I think it's a great book, and…well, you're right about my friends. I've been a lapdog for too long, and it's time I stop going after their respect. If they don't respect me, then it's their problem, because I earned it a long time ago."

Wednesday smile once more up at him, thankful that he finally got it.


	14. Chapter 14

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

"Bye, Father," Wednesday whispered to her dad as she hugged him tight.

"I will see you during the holidays," Gomez said, smiling as he returned the hug, "And, remember what to do if anyone causes you problems?"

"Eviscerate them," Wednesday answered.

"That's my girl," Gomez said, before walking over to Xander, extending his hand.

"It's been a pleasure seeing you again," Xander said.

"Xander, I believe we are beyond the point of a handshake," Gomez said, extending his arms, and Xander hugged him back, "Remember, son, she's my darling devil…if you do anything to hurt her, she'd better enjoy it."

"She will, Sir," Xander said, backing away slight, though he was still smiling.

"See you, Sociopath," Pugsley said, "Hey, I ran into a girl who said she knew you. Name of Anya?"

"…You saw Anya," Xander asked, "How's she doing?"

"Dunno," Pugsley said, "She took off after I told her my name."

"Well, I hope she's alright," Xander said, "Have a good trip, Reject."

As goodbyes were exchanged, Xander and Wednesday began to back away from the crowd, resting comfortably on a bench, waving as Gomez and Pugsley took off.

"They invited us to come up for Christmas," Wednesday said.

"You celebrate Christmas," Xander asked.

"Mother loves the darkness of the holiday," Wednesday said, "Celebrating a time of the year which began thousands of years of life and death over religion…she finds it very spiritual."

Xander laughed at that.

"I want to do something for Tara," Wednesday said, "She did so much to help us. Without her, I might still be tied up." 

"I could live with that," Xander said with a leer.

"Later, Alex," Wednesday responded, though she was smiling as she did so.

"You know, I've been seeing that smile more and more often," Xander said, "I believe you are mellowing out a little bit, Ms. Addams."

"I'm late," she said suddenly, staring at him intently.

"…What," Xander said, shocked.

"…That was too good," Wednesday chuckled as she stood up off the bench.

"That was mean," Xander said, following her, "That was cruel and unusual and…something I would do."

"Damn right you would," Wednesday smiled as he wrapped an arm around her.

ÀÀÀ

"They really do look happy together," Willow said, watching the two walk off together.

"I still think there's something fishy there," Buffy said, then she sighed, "But, there isn't, is there?"

"Nope," Willow said, "They're just…two weirdos in love." 

"…We messed up bad, didn't we?"

"I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response."

Buffy sighed again, wondering what she should do now.

"It's gonna take a lot for them to forgive us," Buffy said, stating the obvious.

"You think," Willow responded, "…What could even come close to making it up to them?"

"What do we know about them," Buffy asked, "Xander and Wednesday seem joined at the hip, but they have such varying differences. The only thing they really have in common is each other."

Willow stared off into space for a moment, before snapping her fingers.

"I have an idea."


	15. Chapter 15

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

"Thank you, Mother," Wednesday said, "…Yes, Alex and I are getting along quite well…yes, several times…no, Mother, he didn't use pokers on me…we've talked about handcuffs, yes…usually four…yes, Mother…alright, Mother…I love you, too…and thank you again."

Wednesday hung up her phone, leaned back in her chair, and sighed.

"That sounded rough," Xander said from his seat across from her, munching on some toast.

Sophia snapped a few times.

"What she said," Xander picked up, "Only four?"

"I don't want to make her jealous," Wednesday responded, "She's very insulted about the fact that you don't use hot pokers on me."

"Well, I go underneath actually harming you," Xander said, "Perceived harm is better than actual harm."

"Don't do that," Wednesday responded.

Sophia snapped a few times.

"She's sending it overnight," Wednesday responded.

"What is it, again," Xander asked.

"It's an ancient tome from Babylon," Wednesday said, "White magic and healing spells older than mankind. I think Tara would appreciate it."

"Sounds like something she would, but, doesn't that seem a bit…I dunno, predictable?"

"It includes guides to using white magic in sex."

Xander stared at her for a moment, then swallowed.

"Honey-"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"Why-"

"I don't want to cast that much magic," Wednesday responded, "Besides, this is a gift for Tara and Willow, more for Tara, but sense they're together, it's for both of them. It combines their two favorite things."

"…That is so beyond hot," Xander said, leaning back in his chair.

"Yes, it is," Wednesday muttered, before standing up and grabbing his collar, "Come."

"Double entendre, anyone," Xander muttered as he followed her.

ÀÀÀ

"Alright, I got the hotel reserved," Willow said, coming into Giles's den.

"Don't you think this is a bit much," Tara asked, "I mean, you're sending them on a trip down into the caves and a horse ride at night through Death Valley, then, they spend three days in a dark hotel designed specifically for sex, and then, they got skydiving! Skydiving, for God's sakes! I get that you feel bad, but, do you really need to do that?"

"It's the best way to make it up to them," Buffy said, "We got creepiness times three for Wednesday, sex for both, and skydiving for Xander. It's perfect!"

"And, I got backstage tickets to _Led Zeppelin_," (A/N: I really wish I had those, or that I was going to the live concert!) Willow said with a smile.

"Dear God, how much money are you spending on them," Tara asked, shocked.

"Actually, I asked Gomez to help them out," Giles said, "He wasn't particularly keen to, but, after he heard that it was for them, he was most happy to help."

"Wow," Tara said, before another thought occurred to her, "How much do you have left?"

"Well, when the doubloons arrived, there was enough to cover what we bought, and…the next six years of college," Willow said, "…for all of us."

"…Holy crap."

ÀÀÀ

"Gomez," Morticia greeted her husband as she descended the stairs, "Why aren't you in bed? It's cold without you…I like it when it's cold with you."

"I'm sorry, Tish, but I need to finish this," Gomez said.

"What is it," Morticia asked as she came up behind him, placing her hand against his shoulder.

"It's the forms to buy a shop in Sunnydale," Gomez said, taking a puff from his cigar, "Ripper mentioned to me that he was interested in purchasing a store, but that he didn't have the money for it."

"Hmm, that's a very generous thing you're doing, _Mon Cher_," Morticia purred into his ear.

"Oh, _Cara Mia_," Gomez dropped his pen, enveloped his wife in his arms, and began to kiss her ferociously on her neck.

ÀÀÀ

A/N: I truly do wish I could go to the live concert, but, ce la vie. Anyway, there're two chapters left that I can think of. I've decided that this is the first of a trilogy of semi-related fics involving Xander and a girl. I know that I'm going to give the whole PPG plot another shot, but, there will be another one before that one…I already know who it involves, but, to quote Sweeny Todd, 'That's the play, and he wouldn't want us to give it away!'


	16. Chapter 16

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

Wednesday walked steadily onward, with Xander right beside her, following the stone path up to her family's mansion. It felt so good to be home.

"There aren't any traditions that call for a boyfriend to be…disemboweled, are there," Xander was somewhat scared; after all, he had never met her mother while the two had been in a relationship.

"No, Alex," Wednesday replied for the tenth time, "Now, quit being so frightened. You've met my mother before."

"That was different," Xander replied, "She didn't like me to begin with, remember? Imagine now that she knows I'm violating her little girl each night," Wednesday stopped and stared at him, "Ok, so maybe I am freaking out for no good reason, but, come on! If I didn't hate my parents and you met them, you know damn well that you'd be nervous," again, she just stared, "…I'm being irrational, aren't I?"

She nodded, then smacked him in the chest.

"Grow a pair," she said before turning around and going for the house.

She approached her home with no pause, forcing Xander to move quickly to keep up with her. As soon as she reached the door, however, it opened.

"Hello, Lurch," Wednesday greeted the butler, who merely nodded with a smile, which grew when he saw Xander.

"Hey, Big Guy," Xander greeted the butler familiarly, extending his right fist, which Lurch enthusiastically pounded in return, "Damn, I forgot how much that hurts."

"Where are Mother and Father," Wednesday asked.

Lurch motioned for them to follow him, which they did. He led them through the house to the library, where Morticia and Pugsley were sitting together, Morticia reading a book on Dr. Kevorkian and Pugsley reading a book on the anatomy of venomous snakes. When the two entered, they looked up from their books, and immediately rose.

"Wednesday," Morticia greeted her daughter.

"Hello, Mother," Wednesday greeted her with a deadpan face, before hugging her enthusiastically, "You remember Alex?"

"Yes, indeed," Morticia said, turning her watchful eye on Xander.

"Hello, Mrs. Addams," Xander greeted her respectfully.

"How are your organs, Alexander," Morticia asked.

"…Contained," Xander responded, his discomfort easily visible.

"Pity," Morticia replied before turning to Wednesday, "I did not know you were coming. How long are you staying?"

"For two days," Wednesday replied, "The _Led Zeppelin_ concert isn't for a while yet."

"I see," Morticia said, before turning to Xander and saying, "Alexander, Gomez and Fester are in the vault, would you join them?"

"But, Mother," Pugsley interrupted.

"The four of you may play with dynamite later," Morticia said, with no room for argument, "For now, occupy yourself elsewhere."

"Alright," Pugsley caved, turning around as he did so, "See ya, Sociopath."

"Later, Reject," Xander said, his discomfort even more visible, "Greed?"

"Greed," Morticia acknowledged.

Xander nodded, acting like a condemned man being sent to the gallows as he pulled back the book labeled _Greed_ and followed the shelves to the other side of the wall.

"Mother," Wednesday turned on Morticia, "What was that about?" 

"Just playing with him a little bit," Morticia said with a small smile, "Now, sit. We must discuss some things."

Wednesday nodded, understanding her mother's need to mentally torture her poor boy for a while. After all, she hadn't seen him since that summer.

"So," Morticia began, "Things are going quite well for you and Alexander, are they?"

"Yes, they are," Wednesday responded, wondering where this was going.

"You and he have made passionate love several times, have you not," Wednesday nodded, totally unsurprised by the frankness of the question.

"…Is there any possibility that…he may be the one," Morticia asked, finally looking discomforted.

"…If you are asking whether or not I have a real future with him, I cannot answer that now, Mother," Wednesday replied, "I have only been with him for a few months now, it is much too early to determine whether there is a future there."

"This young man has done something that I truly worried no man would ever do," Morticia said, "He has fallen for you, and you for he. The only time that ever happened was with Joel Glicker, and we know how that ended."

Wednesday took a moment to smile in triumph.

"The truth is," Morticia began, "…I really like him."

"Mother," Wednesday questioned.

"I hate what he does, but, somehow he's wormed his way into my heart," Morticia said with a small smile, "I think he's probably the best thing for you, and I know he cares about you very much."

Wednesday stayed quiet for a moment, considering her words, before nodding.

"Why did you send him down to Father," Wednesday asked.

"At this moment, Gomez and Fester are introducing dear Alexander to one of our family's strongest traditions."

ÀÀÀ

"Mamushka!"

Xander collapsed in a huff as Fester and Gomez let him down, staring at him as he struggled to catch his breath.

"That," Xander finally wheezed out, "Was…crazy…as…Hell!"

"…That is the most wonderful thing I've ever heard," the bald man known as 'Uncle' Fester said before turning to his brother, "What do you think?"

"Oh, he's definitely getting it," Gomez replied, putting his cigar into his mouth, "Come along, Alexander, we'll get us some more brandy."

Xander struggled to his feet, following Gomez obediently as Fester wrapped an arm around him.

"Pugsley and I have been working on demolishing a building out in Manhattan," Fester said, smiling a gleeful smile as he said so, "At first, the city was going to hire some company to do it for them, but then someone informed them of the fine work we do on warehouses. It's a large apartment complex, took a few days to get the charges set up, but, we got it done. How'd you like to come and help us set it off?"

"Gee, Fester, I'd really love to," Xander said, "But, I'm not sure if Wednesday will let me. I mean, we've got to go in two days for London."

"Oh," Fester seemed down now, but perked up immediately, "We'll send you a recording of it!"

"Awesome," Xander said with a grin.

"Alexander, come, sit," Gomez indicated the seat next to him.

Xander sat down beside Gomez while Fester took a seat on his other side. All of a sudden, he got the feeling of being surrounded. Gomez put his cigar down for a second and started up the projector. A black and white movie began, with a pale little girl dressed in black descending the stairs, her hands wrapped around a leash that was connected to Pugsley's neck.

"That was when she was five years old," Gomez said with a nostalgic smile, "She was so domineering at that age…made her mother quite proud."

"I can tell," Xander said as a new reel played with Morticia sitting with Wednesday at the kitchen table, both holding a butcher knife with an anatomy book laid out.

"They're so dumb at that age," Fester said, "Why, I remember once carving the spleen out of a hamster! The way she's going at it, I'm not surprised she has no ability."

Xander wisely kept his mouth shut.

"Alexander, I feel I must ask," Gomez stopped the movie for a second, "…What are your intentions with my daughter?"

"Sex," Xander said, completely honest, "Lots and lots of sex."

Gomez and Fester shared a long look before both started laughing uncontrollably.

"…You'd best make sure that's not all," Fester said, coming out of it, "Wednesday would castrate you with a rusty spoon." 

"Indeed, she would," Gomez said, "…Seriously, Alexander…do you love her?"

"…I don't know yet," Xander said, being honest again, "But, I know I could."

"…Very good," Gomez said with a small smile, "I truly do believe that you and her are meant to be miserable together…perhaps forever."

"Well, you know what they say," Xander said with a smile, "Misery loves company."

"Indeed," Gomez said with a smile, before jumping up and saying, "En Guard!"

Xander felt a sword land in his hand, and he jumped backwards to avoid Gomez's thrust, then parried Fester's attack, before backing up and looking at the wall.

"Thanks, Thing," the hand saluted him from the sword rack, then scuttled away.

"Dirty trick, Gomez," Xander said with a smile, "I like it!"

He lunged.

ÀÀÀ

Wednesday walked along the corridor, examining the hallways that she had been raised in, before stopping at Pugsley's road sign decorated doorway. She knocked their special knock.

"Hey, come in," she entered the room, nodding to Pugsley as he sat down in the electric chair, "What's up?"

"Mother has been asking me about Alex for the past hour or so," Wednesday said, "She is concerned."

"Well, can you blame her," Pugsley said, chewing on a finger sandwich, "You don't have a real track record with men…or women…or anyone."

"She seems to like him," Wednesday said, scanning the room with her eyes…something was off, "Pugsley, have you become a transvestite?"

"From Transsexual, Transylvania," Pugsley asked with a smile, "No, why'd you ask?"

Wednesday held up a container of lipstick.

"…Oh," Pugsley said, for once looking uncomfortable, "Well, I guess there's no real way to tell you, so…"

He sat his plate down and motioned for to follow him back to his closet. He opened up the spacious room and stepped back, allowing her to see. There, tied up to the walls, bound and gagged in leather, was a blindfolded woman.

"You caught something," Wednesday asked.

"Not exactly," Pugsley pulled the ball-gag out of her mouth.

"That was fun," she said with a smile, "Can you use a poker this time, instead?"

"I know that voice," Wednesday said, before smiling another evil smile, "You're Anya, aren't you?"

"…No," she lied in a trembling voice.

"Yeah, you are," Pugsley said with a grin, "We met in Sunnydale. We blew up a few tombs together, then she showed up on the doorstep, begging for sex. How could I deny her?"

"She's Alex's ex," Wednesday replied.

"…Did not know that," he responded, "…He want her back," Wednesday shook her head, "You want her," Wednesday shook her head, "You and he wanna have her together?"

"No power on this earth," Wednesday replied, before smiling and saying, "Except in the case of Lady Heather."

"Please, don't tell Xander I'm here," Anya begged.

"…Enjoy yourself," Wednesday replied, "I am going to find Alex."

"You do that," Pugsley said with a grin before facing Anya, "Now, where were we?"

Wednesday swiftly walked down the halls, ignoring Anya's screams as she did so.


	17. Chapter 17

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

Xander took a tentative step towards the door, staring down into the empty space below him. He gulped before turning to Wednesday.

"I don't wanna do this," he said.

"Alex, calm down," Wednesday admonished him, rolling her eyes as she did so, "The worst that could happen is your parachute won't open and you'll plummet to an excruciating, yet very short, death, leaving your entrails and rotting corpse as a pile of mush on the pavement."

Everyone around them suddenly began to wonder if this was really worth it.

"You're just a big ball of sunshine, aren't you," the instructor asked sarcastically, before turning to Xander, "Listen, kid, I've been doing this for seven years, never had anyone die on me, so-"

Before he could even finish, Wednesday took over.

"You don't jump," she said to Xander, "Then, I'll call Mother and tell her that you haven't satisfied me in a week."

Needless to say, Xander jumped. The instructor stared down after him, before turning to Wednesday.

"Ugh," he said eloquently, "What the Hell?"

"He doesn't even use pokers on me," Wednesday replied steadily, "Mother finds it offensive."

With that being said, she easily jumped out of the airplane. The instructor stared after her, before sighing.

"That's just creepy," he said, still staring after her, "…She has a black parachute?"

ÀÀÀ

Tara laid back on her bed, sighing in ecstasy as Willow laid down beside her, completely exhausted.

"Wow," Willow muttered, "We have got to thank Wednesday for giving you that book!"

"Yeah," Tara said with a smile, "So, it's your turn. You ready?"

"Gimme a minute," Willow said, swallowing as she did so, "I'm so exhausted."

"Just be grateful I haven't shown you what I can do yet," Tara said, making Willow smile a nervous smile.

"…Are you really a masochist?"

"We'll see."

ÀÀÀ

"I must admit, Buffy," Giles said as he and Buffy watched the movie, "I am quite surprised that you were willing to go along with Willow and purchase Xander and Wednesday three nights in a hotel designed for sex. What came over you?"

"I dunno," Buffy said, "I just…I mean, it's pretty obvious that Wednesday is a freak, and Xander's up for anything. Plus, we'd kidnapped her. If it hadn't been for Tara's intervention, someone might have died…it just scares me to think how close I came to losing someone."

"Forgive me, Buffy, but I fail to see how you could ever send someone away for three days to have sex," Giles said once again, "It goes completely against your character!"

"Actually, it doesn't," Buffy said with a sheepish smile, "I've…always wanted to try experimenting…in that kind of stuff."

Giles wisely shut up, realizing that his curiosity had led him somewhere he didn't want to go.

"I mean, let's face it, I don't have much problems with having sex, I mean, remember how quickly I gave it to Parker," Buffy said with a small laugh, causing Giles to go red, "But, for some reason, I just can't cross that threshold, you know? I can't be that wild and adventurous."

"Perhaps…you should be discussing this with Riley," Giles said, his discomfort rising astronomically.

"…You know what," she said with a smile, "That's exactly what I should do."

She stood up, and positively skipped out of his room.

"Oh, thank the Lord," he said, "Buggering teens."

ÀÀÀ

"Just leave those right there," Xander told the man before handing him a tip, "Thanks."

Wednesday came out of the bathroom, dressed in a black lace gown, and laid down on the bed, her face tired from the flight. Xander took of his clothes, leaving his boxers on though, and quietly crawled into the bed, allowing Wednesday to wrap her arms around him and lay her head on his chest.

"Alex," she whispered, "Are you looking forward to tomorrow?"

"Yeah," he said with a smile, "I can't wait."

"Neither can I," she abruptly pulled herself up so that she could look into his eyes, "Alex…there's something I want to tell you."

He stayed silent, worried and happy, thinking that he knew what she was going to say.

"I love you."

Wednesday stared up at him, her usually deadpan face holding a bit of nervousness now, wondering how he would respond.

"…I love you, too."


	18. Chapter 18

The Theory of Relativity

A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.

Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5

ÀÀÀ

Some Time Later…

Buffy stared out upon the sea of dark and gothic people, feeling oddly out of place in her silk white dress. The way they were all dressed, she honestly had thought she'd accidentally gone to a funeral instead of a wedding.

"Buffy," she turned to her left as she heard her best friend, Willow, call out to her, "Come on, join the party."

Willow herself was dressed in a black dress with odd leather bindings wrapped around her stomach and chest, very much like Tara's dress, only Willow had a leather collar on, while Tara did not.

"I dunno, Wills," Buffy said, sipping her champagne, "I feel so out of place, here."

"Nah, duh, you big dummy," Willow said with a grin, "You're wearing white to Wednesday and Xander's wedding! You had to have known that they'd only have black here!"

"…Yeah, I'm an idiot," Buffy muttered.

"Yeah, you are," Buffy glared at her, "Still, even idiots are having fun. Hell, look at Anya and Pugsley…where'd they go?"

"To a broom closet," the two looked over to see Wednesday's mother, Morticia, walking over to them, her tight black dress present as ever, "How are you fairing this evening?"

"I'm so depressed," Buffy muttered.

"I'm so drunk," Willow said, "You sure know how to throw together a party, Mrs. Addams."

"Please, call me Morticia," the pale woman replied, "We have more finger sandwiches and other treats, if you'd like."

"No, thank you," Buffy replied, "I just don't feel like doing much tonight."

"I understand," Morticia said with a sigh, "Weddings tend to make one gloomy and depressed…we really need to have more of them."

With that, she walked on, leaving a silence between the two friends.

"…I think I'm gonna go find Tara," Willow said, looking around for her lover, "I can't wait till we get to Europe next summer! Just imagine it, I'm gonna be a wife!!"

"That's something I desperately want to see happen," Buffy remarked, before sighing, "I guess I'd better find Mom and Dawn, Lord only knows what either of them are up to." 

ÀÀÀ

"They grow up so fast," Joyce said as she watched her daughter dance, "It's like, one second they're so little, the next, they're growing hair out of places they didn't even know they had."

"That's not so much of a problem with us," Margaret said, smiling as she watched her son danced with Dawn, "I believe my son has a crush on your daughter."

"Well, Dawn is quite beautiful," Joyce replied, "I must say, he has exquisite hair."

"Yes, takes after his father, same flirtatious attitude, debonair and cavalier style that makes Itt so famous."

"…What's his name?"

"Yes," Margaret answered with a smile, waving at her little boy.

"Yes is his name," Joyce asked, getting confused.

"What," Margaret corrected.

"I asked if 'Yes' was his name," Joyce asked.

"No, What," Margaret responded.

"…His name is…"

"What," Margaret said.

"Ah, Ok," Joyce said, giving up on her.

"Mom," Dawn called out, bringing What with her, "This guy is, like, so cool! I can't, like, understand a word he says, but his voice sounds, like, really cool!"

"Dawn, don't be so insensitive," Joyce admonished her daughter.

'What' said something in a squeaky voice, causing Margaret to laugh.

"What'd he say," Joyce inquired, afraid of the answer.

"He's wondering why he can't understand anything she says," Margaret replied, "He says it sounds like she says 'like' with every other breath."

Dawn glared at What.

ÀÀÀ

"ITT, OLD MAN," Gomez greeted his cousin, "RIPPER, OLD MAN!!"

"Hello, Gomez," Giles greeted his friend, "I was just taking a moment to get reacquainted with dear Itt here."

Cousin Itt, dressed in his usual sunglasses and derby hat, responded in his squeaky voice, causing Gomez and Giles to laugh uncontrollably for a few seconds.

"Indeed, old man," Gomez said, wiping a tear from his eye, "I must say, Ripper, your beautiful dame is stealing the show."

Giles looked over to where Joyce and Margaret were talking, with Morticia coming up to them. Simultaneously, all three men cringed.

"No matter how beautiful they are, it's always a fright to see three women discussing something," Giles said, "Particularly when you know it's about you."

Itt made a few comments, causing both men to nod in agreement.

"Indeed," Gomez said with a grin, "I know I wouldn't trade Tish for the world…Ripper, old man, when are you going to settle down?"

"Oh, at some point in the future, when I find the right woman," Giles said with a grin.

"I believe you have already found her," Gomez indicated behind him, backing away from him.

"Rupert," Giles turned about, smiling at Joyce, "Care to dance?"

ÀÀÀ

"Just hold tight, love," Spike said to Harmony as he led her across the dance floor.

"I'm scared," Harmony replied, looking around her in suspicion, "Why're we even here, anyway?"

"We're here to see if we can get in good with these blokes," Spike replied, weaving her around the throngs of people, "These are some of the most powerful people in the world, Harm, if we get in good with them, there'll be no telling what we can do."

"I still don't understand why she invited us," Harmony muttered, still very nervous about being in Wednesday's presence.

"Well," the two looked over to see Xander, dressed in his wedding tux, walking over to them with a smile and two glasses of wine, "I'm no expert, but, I think it's because she's getting a kick out of watching you two try and politick your way into the Addams' good graces…and, just because she knows how nervous you would be, Harmony. Wine?"

"Sure, whelp," Spike responded, taking a glass and sipping it while Harmony just kicked it back and drank all of it, "So, how's the unhappily married man doing tonight? Still frolicking in the abysmal-"

"Spike," he stiffened as he heard a familiar voice behind him, along with a pair of strong hands landing on his shoulders, "Don't you know it's bad luck to insult the groom on his wedding day?"

"Angel, you great poofter," Spike said, ripping himself away from him, "How the Hell did you get here?"

"Teleportation," Cordelia Chase responded, coming up beside Angel, dressed in a beautiful black dress, "When Xander called, I just had to come."

"Cordy," Harmony greeted her former friend, "How's it going in LA?"

"Fun," Cordelia said, sending an icy glare to Harmony, "So, Xander told us a funny story on the phone…something about summer camp?"

Harmony stiffened at that.

"And, Spike," Angel smiled a scathing smile at his childe, "You and Harmony? What would Dru say?"

Spike glared at him, but he knew that he wasn't any match for Angel, not amongst Xander and his clan.

"LIAM, OLD MAN," all turned their heads to see Gomez Addams, rushing forward, a joyous look on his face, "Dear me, I haven't seen you in years! How are you?"

Angel and Gomez enthusiastically shook hands, with the two walking off to speak in private.

"Congratulations, Xander," Cordelia said as she hugged him, "I can honestly say that…you could have done worse."

"Yeah," Xander responded, chuckling as he did so, "I could've wound up with Harmony."

"In your dreams," said vampiress responded.

"I thought you hated the poofter as much as I do," Spike demanded, "And, what's with you and her speaking? You haven't spoken since she left for the Holy Land."

"I went to Hollywood, you idiot," Cordelia responded.

"That is my Holy Land," Spike replied, "You can walk around in game face and no one thinks anything of it! It's bloody fantastic."

"To answer your original question," Xander picked up, "Yes, Angel and I still dislike each other, and yes, Cordy and I are still rocky, but, when it comes to annoying you two, everyone's on the same page."

Ignoring their shocked looks, Xander extended an arm to Cordelia, who smiled and took it. Before following him to the dance floor, however, she turned back to Harmony.

"Wednesday promised to show me a picture of that retainer," she said, smirking at her, "Enjoy the wedding!"

Spike and Harmony stared after them, a combination of shock and anger preventing them from making a move.

Harmony sighed and said, "This sucks!"

ÀÀÀ

"It was a dark service," Tara said, holding Wednesday's hand as she did so, "Very much like you."

"Thank you," Wednesday replied, genuinely blushing as she did so, "And thank you for being our maid of honor. How was the…"

"Bachelor party," Tara finished with a smile, "It was fine, we played cards with Gomez, Giles, and Fester. Willow gave Xander the speech."

Wednesday smiled at that, relishing in the discomfort he must have felt.

"No strippers," Wednesday asked, she had been adamant in her demands.

"Just whores and prostitutes," Tara joked, eliciting a glare from Wednesday that actually made her cringe, "Seriously, no girls at all, save me and Willow."

"How are my girls," Xander greeted the two, wrapping an arm around each of them.

"You don't have any girls," Wednesday responded with a grimace, though she was obviously fighting a smile.

"You're right," Xander said, letting go of Tara as he wrapped both his arms around his wife, "Instead, I've been cursed by the darkest flower in the world."

Wednesday's smile grew even more as she blushed.

"I'll be out in the cemetery," Wednesday said, "Please, Alex, get us some wine?"

"No prob," Xander said, grabbing Tara by the arm as he went to the refreshment table, "Did you tell her?"

"No, I didn't," Tara responded, "Willow and I had so much fun, I just couldn't let your honeymoon be ruined like that." 

"Excellent," Xander said, "By the way, whatever happened to the strippers? Lurch took them out of the room, and I don't know what happened after that."

"He drove them home," Tara replied, before smiling as she remembered the night before, "Damn, they were gorgeous."

"Officially, no, they pale in comparison to Wednesday," Xander said, "Unofficially…bang bang!"

Tara fell into fits of giggles, right along with Xander.

ÀÀÀ

"Shh," Pugsley silenced Anya as the two stared down over the balcony, "Any minute now."

"What're we going to see," Anya asked, very excited and nervous.

"Wednesday's last test."

ÀÀÀ

"Alex," Wednesday greeted her husband as he sat down in the fresh earth beside her, two glasses of wine in hand, "I want to know something."

"I don't care what you think, I'm not getting a piercing," Xander preempted her.

"Oh, darn," she replied dully.

"So, what's up," he asked, handing her her wine.

"I was thinking about the dead," Wednesday replied, "Imagine it. You…me…together in a grave."

"Yeah," he said before turning to her and asking, "Why are we out here?"

"You do realize we're going to die someday, right," Wednesday inquired.

"…You remind me every day," Xander responded, "Why all this thought about death?"

Wednesday stared at him for a moment before sighing and standing up, leaving him down on the earth, staring up at her. He slowly brought himself up, pushing against the ground as he did so…

…and two hands came up from the ground, grabbing his wrists.

"AAAHHH!!!"

ÀÀÀ

Pugsley and Anya held each other as they struggled to control their laughter.

ÀÀÀ

"He's not dead yet," Fester said, staring out at him.

"I knew he would last longer than Glicker," Gomez said with a smile, "He may not have our blood, but he's an Addams, through and through!"

"That's a toast, if ever I heard one," Giles remarked, "Gomez, you must demonstrate that dance you mentioned."

Gomez and Fester shared a long look.

"Shall we, then, brother dear," Fester inquired.

"We shall," he said, taking two kitchen knives from a nearby waiter.

"MAMUSHKA!"

ÀÀÀ

"Are you done yet," Wednesday asked, "You obviously aren't going to die."

Xander tossed both Sophia and Thing away, staring at them with obvious disgust.

"Why," he demanded, but both hands lift themselves up in the common gesture meaning 'I dunno.'

"Leave us," Wednesday told them, "Sit, Alex."

"…Once more, WHY," he demanded, though he sat down as well.

"It was just to see how much fear you could handle," Wednesday remarked, grinning ever so slightly, "And, obviously, you can handle a lot."

"…So, that was a test," Xander asked, to which Wednesday nodded, "You are so evil."

"You love me for it," Wednesday replied.

"God damn me, I do," he muttered, wrapping an arm around his love.

"Xander," she said, "…I'm late."

"Nice try," he replied, staring up into the skies.

She said nothing, only leaned her head into his shoulder.

"…You aren't for real, are you?"

"I am," she said, "And, I'm pregnant, too…I found out this morning."

"…I'm gonna be a daddy," Xander said, before another thought occurred to him, "…You called me Xander…that's the first time you ever have."

"If I have a son, I want him to be Alex," Wednesday replied, "It'd be easier if you're Xander and he's Alex."

"What if it's a girl," he asked the obvious.

"Morana," she replied, "After the Slavic goddess of winter and death."

He took a moment to ponder that, before nodding his head and replying, "I'm freezing in the middle of a graveyard as we discuss baby names…why the Hell not?"


End file.
